Ten Threats Bigger than Gay Marriage

On April 3rd, Alaskans go to the polls to cast votes on a Statewide Advisory Vote on a proposed amendment to the state constitution “that would prohibit the state, or a municipality or other subdivision of the state, from providing employment benefits to same-sex partners.” The vote is the most recent episode in the aftermath of the Defense of Marriage Act that our state passed in 1998.

We missed the boat. A number of things are more threatening to marriage than Same Sex Marriage or offering benefits to gay employees’ partners. Legislating against any of these ten threats instead will save many marriages. Please choose one of these and write to you legislator immediately.

Top 10 Real Threats to Marriage in Alaska (and everywhere else):

1. The Weather

Last night it was twenty-seven below. March is supposed to be the month for getting outside and having fun. What happened? Today Fairbanks is a cranky little town full of husbands and wives snapping at each other because we can’t take the cabin fever.

2. Household Remodels

Which sink? Which color? Which tile? Which fixtures? Which paint? Dust. Bruised knuckles. Five hundred dollar plumber bill. Trial separation?

3. Blogging

“Come to bed, honey.” “I just need to comment on this obscure Latvian parenting blog.” Two hours later. ZZZZZZZZ.

4. Television

Lost. Deadwood. The Sopranos. Whatever it is, for your marriage’s sake, shut it off and go have sex instead.

5. The Disney Princesses

Cinderella, Ariel, Snow White, Beauty and other helpless protagonists perpetuate stereotypes that undermine marriage. Girls learn that the only worthy men are handsome and rich. Real marriage has trouble living up to fairytale expectations. Especially in Alaska, where grizzled and filthy is the norm.

6. The United States Health Care System

If money is the number one thing couples argue about, and many bankruptcies are caused by looming medical debt, it seems we sure could save many brides and grooms a trip to divorce court if we re-thought privatized health care. Marriage counseling, it’s not covered. You’ll have to pay for that out of pocket too.

7. Holidays

Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever you celebrate. Overeating, family squabbles, and long trips in the car with little kids all put a patina on the glow of love.

8. The United States Family Leave and Medical Act

If you’re even lucky enough to be eligible, you get twelve weeks off with no pay. After three months American babies should be ready: sleeping through the night, walking, talking, washing their own dishes. Great policy. It seems our great nation believes new moms and dads can be civil to each other without any sleep.

9. Children

Sometimes it’s hard to feel romantic when the house is filled with plastic garbage shipped from China, you’re operating on fifteen minutes of uninterrupted sleep, and Dora the Explorer underpants are the only ones you ever see besides your own.

10. The War in Iraq

Sending people away for over a year to a place where they are constantly threatened with death damages marriages. So does giving people the job of threatening other people with death. So does extending their tours without notice. Of course war only threatens the marriages of those lucky enough to return or survive. Otherwise the “death do us part” clause takes over.

And a bonus threat:

11. Divorce

Visit Dermot Cole’s column here to learn about this lurking menace threatening your marriage and more about the advisory vote.

If you’re an Alaskan, please vote no on April 3rd. Visit Alaskans Together to help out.

Please comment and alert us all to any other previously unidentified threats to marriage.